Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Investment Real Estate

Investment real estate. It's dirt cheap land in undeveloped areas that may someday increase in value and make you a fortune. Sometimes you can find sweet ones. I bid on this property. Yeah, it's a humble 0.06 acres of undeveloped land and yes, it's on the side of a hill/mountain with no roads leading to it (yet), but it is in Laguna Beach. I figure, I can always build like a cool lopsided hill fort or maybe dig like an underground cavern or even just a foxhole, something to call home. The auction has 11 days left, but tonight I am the high bidder.

I lay awake tonight and think about what it will be like, stealthily crawling out of my Laguna Beach hillside foxhole, pausing a moment to put on my camouflage face paint. Somewhere off in the distance I hear a mating call of a wild coyote. It is arid, but a bead of sweat collects on my brow. I wipe it immediately with my forearm, and press on.

A cricket is chirping to my left. I grab him and eat him for sustenance. It's the only thing I've eaten in days.

Creeping silently along the moonlit Hills, I finally reach Lauren Conrad's mansion. To my surprise, Lauren's bedroom window is slightly ajar. I carefully and quietly open the window just enough to squeeze my body through. I'm almost inside when suddenly the laces of my boot get caught on her window sill and I loudly flop onto the floor.

Lauren wakes up in a daze and screams, threatening to call the police. I tell her I'm merely looking for my lost pet, and ask her if she's seen him. I don't want to look foolish, so I use a common pet name like Rover or Dexter Morgan. Lauren loves animals.

The two of us are finally alone, and in this moment we are one. Connecting on such a deep level, we allow ourselves to be swept up in the moment, and we move closer.

Lauren, I have waited so long for this moment", I profess.

"Please, call me LC"

My dream is about to come true. My heart is racing. Lauren looks deeply into my eyes, leans in real close, and says, "Is that a rash on your neck?".

Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHHAHA "Is that a rash on your neck?"

    dude this is so hilarious you need to be a columnist


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