Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Amy Martin Project

This is Amy Martin. She likes Kenny Chesney and Grey's Anatomy. She hates the snow, loves puppies and works at Hollister Co. And omg she's so fake.

But not in the usual way that most girls are fake. Amy is actually a product of my imagination.

A while ago I decided to perform a social experiment. I wanted to know what it would be like to be a hot chick.

So I searched randomly for girls on MySpace from Texas, and chose her. Pretty, skinny, blonde, adventurous. The average guy's dream.

I gave her an AIM screen name, a fake boyfriend, and I often just go on there and change her status to keep her profile up-to-date.

This took a very long time...months and months to build credibility. But when you're as hot as Amy, people want to be your friend. Every single time I sign on as her, I have dozens of pokes, friend requests, and messages.

Tons of people, including the star of the university's basketball team, actually wrote on her wall for her birthday it was so good. I even got this message from a jealous girlfriend of a guy Amy had friended, but never talked to.

Thought you would like to know...Richard has been deleting lots of friends lately and you have made it into his top 11...I find this interesting since he is very adamant about not telling me who you are. Don't take this message the wrong way please, I'm sure you understand how any girlfriend would feel when a beautiful woman on their boyfriends friends list is said to be "unknown" yet unable to be deleted.

They broke up 2 weeks later.

Amy, a person that doesn't exist, was at least partly responsible for breaking up 2 young lovers.

Now that's fucking power.

One time I was on there changing Amy's status when I got a message from this very Italian gentleman. This is all I could have hoped for, as everyone knows Italians are known for being dumb and horny.

It was funny at first but soon became a bit weird. To the point where every time I signed onto Amy, I had a new message in her inbox from him.

I decided he was perfect for this social experiment.

I had found my mark.

This was back last year, before the Facebook Chat feature, so when Joe messages me, I told him to sign on AIM so I could save the conversation.

I want to make this clear. I did not initiate this.

This is taken verbatim from an AIM chat. As always, the names have been changed.

ItalianJoe: yo yo
ItalianJoe: so you live in ot now?
AmyMartin: yuppers
AmyMartin: u should come see me

I think it is important to note that I get into full character on this one. Straight up To Catch a Predator style.

ItalianJoe: oh really?
AmyMartin: for sure
ItalianJoe: hmm
ItalianJoe: very good possibility, but is there a good reason for me to come?
AmyMartin: oh there is the best reason for you to come...
AmyMartin: sex!
AmyMartin: with a hot girl!
ItalianJoe: hahahah
ItalianJoe: whats your number
AmyMartin: i dropped my phone in a fish tank just come over and fuck me
ItalianJoe: ooooo
ItalianJoe: i hope you're not some crazy fat girl who puts sexy pictures online

If only he wasn't so Italian. So at this point, I want to make sure that he doesn't read my blog already, thus making this whole thing pointless. So I drop him a little hint as to what's going on.

AmyMartin: you ever notice how its always sunny in orono
ItalianJoe: ?
AmyMartin: its always sunny in orono
AmyMartin: seems like
ItalianJoe: lol, i guess so.

Alright, I got the green light with this fucking project. Probably pretty foolish of me to think that anybody would read this stupid website anyway. I should get a job.

So at this point, Joe decides that it is imperative that we meet up tonight, and Amy agrees. I told Joe to meet me at an off campus apartment building where I supposedly lived.

I tell him that I'll wanna spank his tan Italian ass.

ItalianJoe: my friends call me the short tan sensation
AmyMartin: my friends call me oral sex mcgee hehe!...ill meet you in the lobby
ItalianJoe: alright
ItalianJoe: ill leave in a few
AmyMartin: ok can u make it 830? ive gotta shave my pp
ItalianJoe: yeeah i gueeeeeesssss
AmyMartin: my vulva is all wet i cant wait cya at 830 sharp

You would think that talking to a wicked hot, overtly sexual girl online would send up a few red flags. I've tried this before with a few non-Italians and I got caught right away. But this kid is nothing if not persistent.

ItalianJoe: straight up, dont think i can wait until 830
AmyMartin: ok you can come at 8 if you tell me how ur gonna bang me
ItalianJoe: or i could come at 8 and just surprise you.
AmyMartin: i hope ur not one of those really small guys
AmyMartin: in the penile region
ItalianJoe: i might only be 5 foot 6, but i promise...
ItalianJoe: you will have one of the best nights
AmyMartin: of sex
ItalianJoe: yes
AmyMartin: i want you to pull my hair
AmyMartin: not too hard tho or my extensions might come out

It's getting close to 8:00, so we say goodbye and I grab my camera and sprint out to my car to get a spot outside the apartment building to shoot this sad scene.

When I get back to my computer, I have a message waiting for me.

He asks me why I didn't show up, so I tell him my boyfriend decided to stop by after work and I didn't want to get caught.

So I wait about a half hour and start talking to him again.

ItalianJoe: let me come get you
ItalianJoe: i got a biiiiiiig truck
AmyMartin: for wat
AmyMartin: to hide in ?
ItalianJoe: you can hide, but id rather fuck
ItalianJoe: in the truck.

Dr. Seuss over here hasn't given up quite yet. He's still got pussy on his mind, and by George he's gotta get it.

The conversation continues in a pretty graphic way.

ItalianJoe: whts your fav position
AmyMartin: doggy style
AmyMartin: i like when guys hit that shit from behind
ItalianJoe: hmm
ItalianJoe: im sure i can help you out with that
AmyMartin: wats urs
ItalianJoe: same thing
AmyMartin: dont be lame tell me what you're gonna do to me
ItalianJoe: you're gonna have your face in the pillow
ItalianJoe: truuuuust me
AmyMartin: reallllyyyy
ItalianJoe: promise

I usually feel bad fucking with people on this level. I wouldn't have pursued this if I had any sense that he was respectful, or if he said something like "We shouldn't be talking like this you have a boyfriend". I really wouldn't. Instead he says something here that caught me so off guard that I spit my Busch Light all over the screen.

ItalianJoe: 10 inches good for you?

I'm not a doctor or anything, but you would think a 5'6" Italian kid probably isn't going to be the most well endowed person in the world. I have spent some time in the showers with guys playing football for 12 years, and I have never seen anything resembling ten inches. At this point my roommate, the internet's biggest sensation Ben suggests we have him send us a picture of the dick in question. I decide this probably isn't the greatest idea in the world.

AmyMartin: ur 10 inches??
ItalianJoe: depends on how excited you get me
AmyMartin: well i was gonna try and give you a boner hehe
ItalianJoe: then im 10 allllll the way
ItalianJoe: im tellin got noooooooo idea
AmyMartin: u lie
AmyMartin: ill use my yardstick on you
ItalianJoe: ive never measured before but im prettttty sure its atleast 10

So that's where elephant cock and I left off. He wants to hang out tomorrow but Amy isn't sure. A part of me feels like I've embarrassed this kid enough. Then I remember what it feels like to have your girlfriend bang guys just like him.

As far as Italian Joe knows, Amy is real and has a boyfriend. The fact that he knows this and wants to stick his donkey dick inside her anyway really brings my piss to a fucking boil. That's why I've decided to fuck with this kid until I decide when to stop.

I'm gonna make a great father someday.

The Amy Martin Project: Part 2

The Italian Joe Song (Miley Cyrus cover)

It's Always Sunny In Orono

Blogs like David Thorne


  1. Ive typed like 5 different comments but deleted them all. Really no words can describe how fucked up/funny this is. Bars Thursday or do you have an internet date with Italian Joe?

  2. my blog shivvers when it thinks of how funny yours is. i would post my gabe pruitt interactions that i have had with my fake facebook, but it would pale in comparison with how funny this is. i am dying right now. icant believe you fuckin caught this guy on tape this could be a tv show.

  3. Hilarious...enough said

  4. tv show damn brett thats a hilarious idea...HBO special do like an 8 episode season get a loan from the bank and do it all high quality lighting and cameras then confront the dude....fucking awesome LOL

  5. that shit reminds me of some pranks i played on lalos freshman yr

  6. italian joe wouldn't happen to be kevin ryan would it?

  7. I think you should find a very feminine gay man to meet italian joe...make his wildest fantasies come true! lol

  8. This is fuckin hilarious!! hahaa omg

  9. o man that amy martin thing is too much but very entertaining. but i must say im a sucker for ur blog now that ive seen it. i always knew you were destined for greatness brett... n that u check out guys dicks in the shower

  10. funny, but fucked.

  11. You are too funny Brett. I still can vividly remember the time that she IMed me to ask about the really hot guy on the Club Football Team.

  12. You're the fucking man.


  13. I have to say I was a bit irritated by your aggressive approach at first because it seems to be an obvious approach to lure him in. But then I realized if the man had any morals and respect for women it wouldn't have been so easy. Great post!

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