Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Amy Martin Project pt.2

In the spirit of April Fool's Day, I bring you the highly anticipated second installment of the Amy Martin Project.

If you haven't read it yet, check it out now. Fuck it. Even if you know it by heart read it again to get yourself in the mood. I'll wait. You back yet? Huh? You didn't even click it did you. Whatever. It was meatspin anyway. Now lets embark on this goddamn epic journey together.

As always, the names have been changed and the correspondences are verbatim.

Also, I may or may not wear a wig, sports bra and/or watermelon lip gloss when I'm in what I like to call, "Amy Mode". I tell my lovely girlfriend of six months that it helps me focus.

Brett: she's my feminine side
Brett: when im on her AIM i feel like i can really be myself
Laura: u scare me

Alrighty then. So I sign onto the 'book with Amy and send Joe a message.

joeeee!!! what have you been up to???

I click Home and read the status updates for literally thirty seconds, and already I have a message back from him.

nothing at all. waiting until you get back online, cause that is the only way i have been able to talk to you! whats your number?

So I send Joe back this message.

1-800-10-Inches-Please ! I will sign on to AIM just for u :)

And here we go...

ItalianJoe: so why havent u been online in a while?
AmyMartin: i've been a busy beaver!
AmyMartin: Is that ur new girlfriend in ur profile picture :(
ItalianJoe: na shes just a goooooood friend

We all know what he's implying here. This move doesn't work guys. I don't know why we do it, no girl wants to hear that you hook up with other girls. It doesn't make you seem desirable, it makes you seem like a douche.

AmyMartin: phew! im glad
ItalianJoe: oh yeahh?
ItalianJoe: how come
AmyMartin: because now we can go for a ride in ur BIG TRUCK!
ItalianJoe: how do i know ur not gunna stand me up?
AmyMartin: omg babe! i told you im sorry. ur lucky tho
AmyMartin: my boyfriend was there and he woulda killed u lol
ItalianJoe: he big?

Ok so here's where the story takes a dramatic turn. I could have gone in any number of directions on this one. I had suggestions ranging from hiring a girl to play Amy, to pretending I was the angry boyfriend and beating the shit out of him. I thought long and hard (haha) about it and I decided the best thing ever would be to have the boyfriend be a bodybuilder and start IMing him all this outrageous shit.

AmyMartin: yeah hes super strong i think hes on steroids cuz hes got terrible bacne
AmyMartin: I once popped one of his back pimples and it squirted into my eyeball! yuckyyy!!!
ItalianJoe: gross?
ItalianJoe: wats the deal with u and him
AmyMartin: things are good we are seeing each other again
ItalianJoe: u still wanna go for a ride
AmyMartin: omg duh.
ItalianJoe: u gonna mke it worth my while?
AmyMartin: I wanna see that 10 inch dingo of urs hehehe :)
ItalianJoe: im not coming all the way to ur place to let u just see it...
ItalianJoe: wat are you going to do to it haha
AmyMartin: the arches of my feet are really soft...i also have no gag reflex
ItalianJoe: dammm, i dont want u to stand me up again, can you come here?
AmyMartin: where do you live?

So I plan to meet up with Joe, meanwhile he gets an IM from someone who is very angry with him...

RoidMonkey 666: yo
ItalianJoe: whos this
RoidMonkey 666: who the fuck is this
ItalianJoe: ?
RoidMonkey 666: joe?
RoidMonkey 666: is that ur fucking piece of shit name
ItalianJoe: who is this
RoidMonkey 666: U been hookin up with my girl u greasy bitch? U think ur an Italian Stallion? I'M THE STALLION! Im coming to [dorm deleted] hall room 222 now and you better believe I'm going to bench press your scrawny ass. I'm going to squat thrust you into submission, military press you into oblivion and stick a dumbbell straight up your ass!
ItalienJoe signed off

At least I got that awesome paragraph out in time before he blocked me. Fuck. I really should have thought about this. Did I really just give him the power to ruin this project? Yes I did. But Italian Joe is one of the dumbest people I have ever talked to in my entire life.

The following exchange is the Money Shot of the Amy Martin Project.

ItalianJoe: ummmm
AmyMartin: did he just im you?
ItalianJoe: yea
AmyMartin: FUCK
AmyMartin: i think he knows about us
AmyMartin: ohhhhh fuck
AmyMartin: go lock your doors i'm serious
AmyMartin: watd he say?
ItalianJoe: are you serious right now
AmyMartin: u dont know what he said?
ItalianJoe: he said he was coming here to fight
ItalianJoe: then i blocked him. is he really coming to my room?
ItalianJoe: why did you tell him where I live????
ItalienJoe signed off

The next day:

I sign onto AIM with Amy and within ten seconds he IMs her.


HAHAHA. The spacebar? Seriously? It's as if he needs to talk to her but just can't find the words.

Maybe he's testing the water in case Amy's boyfriend is over...

ItalianJoe: .

A period. Getting a little more ballsy...

AmyMartin: hello?
ItalianJoe : is this u or your boyfriend haha
AmyMartin: her boyfriend mother fucker
ItalienJoe signed off


just click "Name/URL" enter your damn name and type ur damn message. but keep in mind i have a fragile ego