There is a woman in my life right now that I cannot find the words to describe. It is hard for me to even believe that she actually exists. This woman is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing i think about before I go to sleep.
And I know you're probably thinking "Aww cute hes going to talk about his girlfriend Laura. How nice". Negative. Let me explain.
A few years ago after my parents got divorced, my mother moved to Florida and my dad, sister and I moved to Plainville. My dad is a great guy by all accounts. Wicked fun to be around, good sense of humor, family man, makes good money. A catch.
When this broad fell into his lap he was on the rebound, looking for someone to fill the void with. She would become the very definition of settling.
Meet Julie. Or, as my grandmother calls her...
"The Fucking Milford Cunt"
Picture my sweet little 78 year old grandmother calling someone a cunt. Up until that point in my life I had never even heard her swear. (Her pseudo-swears of choice include "Holy buckwheat!", "You little twit!", and "Pardon my French but he's a real jerk!", ) How's that for foreshadowing.
Julie is in her late 40's, big tits, fat ass, busted face. Apparently she's got a debilitating back injury, which causes her to pop like 26 Vicodin a day. Even Michael Jackson would be like "dude, easy on the Vicodin".
I returned from college in the summer of '08 to find that Julie had moved into our house. Ok, fine. The only thing that really bothered me about her was the way she baby talked to her fucking dog. I can't even type this without cringing.
"Bruin wanna go 'side? Who wants to go 'side? Did you have a good day today? Did you miss mumma? Awwww mumma LUVS you! Give mumma kisses!"
So that summer my father Julie and I started looking for houses together. So long story short we found one in Norfolk, moved all of our stuff in and I went off to school in the fall.
When I came back from school this summer, something changed. Maybe I just never noticed it before, maybe it's because she's possessive about her half of a house she owns, but holy fucking shit. I have never, ever, ever seen anyone like her. Rather than even try to explain her, I'm going to play a little game.
I'm going to give you a list of behaviors that would indicate a completely psychotic, sociopathic, obsessive compulsive person. You tell me which ones are real, and which ones I made up. Ready?
My name is Julie...
#1 I hired a cleaning lady to come clean the house every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but I still vacuum at least once a day, including during dinner.
#2 I scrub the stove, counter tops, and microwave out with harsh chemicals every day, regardless of whether or not they were used.
#3 I rarely leave the house, because I now work from home to protect my house. I often spend the entire day in my housecoat in front of the television watching Two and a Half Men. Although Brett bought his father a High Definition cable box for Christmas, I can't tell the difference at all, so I canceled the service.
#4 One day when I was emptying the dishwasher, I noticed that there were only four plates in it. When I added that to the number of plates in the cupboard, I noticed that one was missing. So I opened Brett's bedroom door and looked through his things and found where he had hidden it....behind his television.
#5 Last night I painted the pantry doors. I didn't see any signs of wear, but I figured it could use a fresh coat.
#6 Despite my crippling back pain, I have slept on the couch in the living room every single night since Brett's been home from college, because I don't want him using the living room and messing it up.
#7 Ever since i made the kitchen table off limits, Brett and Gary have been eating their food on the island in the kitchen standing up. Sometimes they eat so slow they interfere with my cleaning! I usually make them lift their plates while i scrub underneath them.
#8 I put a large beach towel over every rug thats in front of a door, because I do not trust the rug's ability to stop dirt from entering my home.
#9 If we do have a guest over, I usually make them wait outside, because I do not trust the towel or rug's ability to stop dirt from entering my home.
#10 I like having everyone in the house be aware that I do not digest food well. I keep all my "aids" in Brett's bathroom closet for him to go in and write down the names of each one with a pencil, look up the ones he doesn't know, and put them in his blog.
Publix Fiber Therapy (stool hardener)
Correctol (stool softener)
Senna Tab (herbal laxative)
Phayzme (gas relief)
Dairy Digestive Supplement (prevents diarrhea)
Acidophilus (prevents vaginal yeast infections, as well as diarrhea)
Zovirax (synthetic topical herpes medication)
Tucks (hemorrhoidal ointment)
Lamasil (anti fungal)
#11 When Michelle's friends spend the night, they eat all my food and mess up my living room. The cushions are not where I put them. God those little cunts.
#12 I finally met Brett's girlfriend Laura this summer. I wasn't really concerned about making a good impression. Instead I had a few drinks and kept calling Michelle's friends little cunts. Although Laura looked very uncomfortable, I couldn't stop using the word 'cunt'. I was on a roll!
#13 When I have my period, I sometimes just throw my used tampon in the trash in the bathroom. Then my little dog gets into them and drags them all over the house for Brett to step on. Isn't he cute!
#14 Since I've been sleeping downstairs on the couch every night, I haven't really made myself available to Gary. That is why I bought a large purple vibrator and keep it hidden in one of the compartments of the coffee table under a bunch of magazines. I use it occasionally, including the other night when Brett came downstairs for a midnight snack. I hope he didn't see or hear me!
Can you imagine living like that? You want to kill yourself yet? Welcome to my hell. Every single one of those is 100% real.
Apart from all that Julie is a pleasure to be around.