SBINE "Is This Kid Human?"

(Sorry for the quality. My camera has trouble uploading color photos)

Saturday night the SBINE (Spring Break in New England) boys and I go down to Union College in Schenectady, New York. It's about a three hour drive from where we live, but the time passes quickly due to the fact that terrorizing pedestrians still amuses us.

Now, since this is sort of a fucked up situation, I'm going to Tarantino it and skip over the night for now and instead we'll fast forward to the next morning. And together, we will go back and figure out what the fuck happened.

Rizzle wakes me up at 9 AM Sunday, and I have no idea where I am. My fist is throbbing, and my throat is scratchy and raw. My pants are filthy, my sweatshirt and hat are missing. I roll out of bed, steal a vitamin water out of the fridge and stumble downstairs, still drunk.

My last known memory of last night is drinking a lot of Evan Williams and going around Shirley's house with my shirt off yelling "I am King Leonidas". I remember brandishing a broken plastic piece of broom that I was using as a sword. There was a good looking girl there, with a wicked deep voice, and I also remember riding a mountain bike through a beruit game.

EDIT: I actually forgot to mention Shirley's dog Remy. Or should I say horndog Remy. That thing is the horniest animal I have ever seen in my life. It's a two year old lab and that thing must just be hitting puberty because when we were all sitting on the couch drinking, he came over to kel with a twinkle in his eye and just started fucking the shit out of her leg. Kelly, being the good sport that she is, waited until Remy was done to kick him off.

Then after that it becomes very spotty. I recall going to Shirley's frat party and drinking some pink shit, meeting a kid named Doug, and dancing with a black woman.

I'm fucking embarrassed about the events that took place before I blacked out. God forgive me for whatever I did after.

I guess I'll look through my phone. Now, I am a very eloquent drunk texter. I mean it. It might take me ten minutes to type one message, and I might have to spell it aloud, but it'll be fucking Shakespearian when I'm done. It should be able to provide some insight about last night.

(to Kel) - "That girls voice is remarkably deep"

This makes sense. I was very rattled by her voice. I mean it was booming, a little like Morgan Freeman.

3:39 AM (to my gf) - "You are a spectacular woman i want to spend my life w you and not fight faggots"

3:46 AM (to my gf) "Rizz will not harm me and everyone has my back"

Hmmm. Did I get in a fight last night? Okay, I think I'm going to need some help on this one. I ask everyone what happened last night and here are their recollections of the shenanigans I got myself into.

Rizzle: "Dude I just remembered the most fucked up thing that happened last night. Shirley's neighbor two doors down is a halfway house and you went there and knocked on the door. Some deadbeat black guy answered and you just stood there and didn't say anything. I ran up to you, apologized to the black man and dragged you back to Shirley's as he stood there and stared at us."

Rizz also tells me that I picked a fight with one of the brothers over literally nothing. He suggest that it went something like this. Kid: "Hey are you having a good time?" Me: "Did you just say something about my girlfriend?". I don't know why I do this shit when I'm drunk but all of sudden haymakers were being thrown.

Now usually I just like to get the reaction out of people and not actually fight. I don't remember much, but I do remember the feeling of actually wanting to fucking kill this kid. I got thrown out, and started punching street signs and garbage cans on the way back to Shirley's.

Lyle: " Hahaha. Hmmm I caught you with your pants down tossing baby powder all over your "situation". It was pretty much all about you last night at the frat party. You took off your shirt and started yelling "I am King Leonidas!" and some girl leaned over to me and asked "Is this kid Human?". We had to pretty much watch over you most of the night. Grahambo attempted to mack it with a girl wearing a bandanna as a bra, and then walked three miles by himself in search of pizza, to no avail. "

Grahambo: "I don't think I've ever seen anyone scare, mystify and infuriate so many people in the span of a few drunken hours."

Kel: "I remember you spit in my shoe"

We all left that morning and made the long trip back to Mass. I never did find my sweatshirt or hat, I left it somewhere in New York, along with my dignity.