Mantucket

Captain Ahab famously set sail from the shores of Nantucket in Herman Melville's Moby Dick. JFK Jr's tragic plane crash took place here as well.

If you've ever dreamed of playing hardball with Chris Matthews, going sweatshirt shopping with Bill Belichick, getting fingered by Tommy Hilfiger, or planting chrysanthemums with my girlfriend Laura, Nantucket Massachusetts is the place for you, as they all own houses on the island.

This place has the star power of a young Miami Beach, and I can see why. The beaches are pristine, well protected and picturesque. It harkens back to a simpler time when there were no chain stores, just handsome little shops.

Everywhere is within walking distance. Everything is made of wood. Everyone on the island is rich and white; the way God intended. It's charming and lovely.

But unfortunately, visiting Nantucket in the middle of winter is a lot like banging a supermodel while shes menstruating.

In the winter, this quaint New England beach town becomes Chernobyl. They should rename it MANtucket because to survive on Nantucket in March you gotta have balls.

The prices are exorbitant, the stores are empty, everything is closed, there's no people, its dark, it's foggy, and it's cold as shit.

And if you choose to live here year round, just know that Mantucket doesn't fuck around.

You better have a robust income, cause in Mantucket you pay more for everything. How about $29.50 for a 30 rack of Budweiser. Do they have any Natty Light? Fuck no. Mantucket charges you $5 for even asking. Gas is 75 cents more per gallon. Milk is like 5 bucks. Don't even get me started on dip.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait, doesn't the economic principle of supply and demand exist on Nantucket Island?" to which I would reply, "Not here buddy." Be prepared to add about 20% to literally everything you buy. Clothes. Food. Rent. You name it, it's jacked up.

If you don't know where you're going, you best have a GPS because there is no rhyme or reason whatsoever for the placement of roads. It's like they handed Michael J. Fox a pencil and told him to trace a straight line. There's your road map. Roads stop and start randomly, and every side-street is one way.

Don't get lost at night either. There are no street lights. Actually, there is no ambient light from stores or cars or parking lots either, so when I say it's dark out, it may be the darkest outdoor environment I have ever been in. Once in a while a post will come out of the ground with about four street signs pointing down the same street. What that means, I have no idea. I shouldn't have to decipher a puzzle from Myst to take a right onto Madaket Rd.

Oh shit you're hungry? Hope you brought a bagged lunch because there are no chain restaurants on Mantucket. No McDonald's, no Papa Gino's, no Outback Steakhouse.

Mantucket: "Hey man want a cheeseburger and fries?"
Me: "Yeah I'm starving!"
Mantucket: "Well make it yourself dick! Hahahaha!"

What an asshole.

And obviously forget about Best Buy, Walmart, and Target...they're too mainstream. So if you blow a light bulb, you light a fucking candle. Mantucket doesn't give a shit about your bulb problem.

I'm sure in the summer the beaches are sick and the bars are fine, but why anyone would choose to live in this god forsaken ghost town during the winter is beyond me.

Love you.