Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It's Always Sunny In Orono's Guide to St. Patrick's Day (2011)
St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite drinking holidays besides July 4th, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Flag Day, Earth Day, a neighbor's First Communion, a pet's funeral, and Wednesday through Sunday. Here are 10 ways to get the most out of this, the most sacred of drinking holidays.
#10 It is the only acceptable day of the year to bang a ginger. Though if you can get past those freckly shoulders, you're a better man than me.
#9 Struggling with not knowing your family's cultural identity? Well, get a load of this tasty treat. There are actually more people of Irish descent in America than there are in Ireland itself.
Bang! I just climbed to the top of your family tree and threw you down a nut. You're Irish.
#8 In some areas of the world, Leprechauns actually exist, though they prefer to be called Midgets with Hats.
#7 An Irish Car Bomb is a pint of Guinness, 1/2 shot Bailey's, and 1/2 shot Jameson. Any other variation of this such as Red Bull, although probably delicious, is not an Irish Car Bomb. And please fucking chug the thing.
If you sip on it like a '94 Cabernet, the Bailey's will curdle and you'll have a mug full of cheese.
#6 After you're done buying a round of Car Bombs for some sexy dimes, raise your glasses in a traditional Irish toast. In Gaelic, Slainte (pronounced SLON-cha), which means "to health".
#5 Smithwicks is pronounced "Smitticks". Saying "smith-wicks" makes it sound like you're in the business of making generic candles.
#4 Similarly, you may read the phrase Guinness Draught across your beverage. The word draught is a variation of spelling the word draft. It is still pronounced "draft".
#3 You want a lucky charm? Forget carrying the rabbits foot, keep the 90's television card in your back pocket. Every time you find yourself enamored with a chick too dumb to keep a conversation, play it.
Inevitably, this girl will have spent large part of her childhood watching Clarissa Explains it All, Salute Your Shorts and Rocko and Doug and all that shit, so you know you at least have that in common. I don't know why, but most every hot chick our age loves talking about Nickelodeon. All the cool ones anyway.
#2 When some NoOb asks , "What's that little ball thing inside the Guinness bottle?" you can Pwn them by responding: "It's called a Widget. When the bottle is sealed, it is pressurized with nitrogen, which draws beer into the Widget through small holes. When the bottle is opened, this sudden decrease in pressure releases beer from the widget, agitating the beverage and creating rich, foamy head." Get a flash card.
#1 Many Mainers believe Boston to be center of the universe, mostly because Boston is the closest city with no moose population to speak of. Subsequently, it may be construed that the Dropkick Murphys are the end-all be-all of Celtic punk rock. With my Massachusetts heritage I'll be the first one to say that the LA-based Flogging Molly is vastly superior.
So put on your Flogging Molly playlist and start pregaming.
"It's St. Patty's Day, everyone's Irish tonight." - The Boondock Saints
at 5:51 PM